The very definition of a 'Silent Night', to me, is sitting by a crackling fire, bathing in the pale moonlight while singing 'Moon River' so faintly, I'm the only one who could make out the words. Such tranquility, such mindfulness is what I yearn for every second of the day, even before I fall into sleep. And yes, I do realize that somehow, along adulthood, I've become a creature of anxiety, much so that the idea of 'inner peace' is becoming more and more foreign to me.
ONCE UPON A SPOTLESS MIND
There's a reason why children are so impressionable - clueless, brave and curious - these 'young hearts' are heavily impacted by their surroundings. I was a young heart once. Boasting many potentials to do great things in life, I was told by everyone that I needed to excel in almost everything I did, and work hard to get further. Dancing - I mastered. Drawing - I was amongst the best in my class. English - I always held first place during my junior years. My achievements quickly became the stories of wonders being told relentlessly by my family and close relatives. To this day, my childhood prizes and honors are still hung on the living room walls. And gosh... How proud I am. I worked hard for the fruitful results and the rest just followed suit. But deep down I know, I was never an extraordinary kid, but a kid trying to be extraordinary.
Once when I came home with a Maths score just above average, my heart was pounding so fast that I couldn't hear my self think or breathe. As I foolishly came clean with my family, I was met with rage from my mother. The last thing I could remember was a ruler hitting my forehead with a 'pang' and fell down to my feet. That was the most scared I had ever been in my life. It was then that anxiety, the intense obsession with perfection, and the urge to run away whenever there's problem became a part of me.
WHAT MAKES A RUNAWAY
My boyfriend often asks: "Why do you keep running away from problems ?" I'm constantly scared and anxious - that's why. Happy and blessed as I was at the younger years, I was always anxious about not being able to measure up to others' expectations, especially my own mother's. (Is that true happiness, though?)
A classic case of narcissism, she enjoys being the center of attention and showered by praises, even more so when it comes to how well she has 'groomed' me into a responsible and independent adult as I am which I partly agree. My mom is by no means a bad person. She gives away her wealth to the poor, helps the neighbors with their problems and protects the family's reputation when it's on the line. But she has never been a good enough mother for me. Call me ungrateful, but she used to make me scared for my life. As a kid, I could never comprehend why she enjoyed being angry and violent towards her own family. I spent all my childhood scared and anxious about her behaviors, running away from her rage even when I'm well-protected by my father. It was the hardest thing to do when you were being taught all your life to 'worship' your parents but were always doubting their abilities and qualities as your 'guardians'.
Until today, I'm still anxious around her and about almost everything that I do. And this puts such a weight on my heart that sometimes, I cry myself to sleep. 'Anxiety' has become much more than just a feeling but a disbelief in myself and others. If you suffer from anxiety, you might understand what I meant. If not, just picture a cat constantly trying to make her smitten master happy in fear of being abandoned. In the end, the cat may end up hating herself during the attempt to earn some love, because simply being 'herself' may never seem like enough.
THIS TOO SHALL PASS
My battle with anxiety has persisted for the past 15 years. I used to run away as a defense mechanism. I avoided doing things that stirred even the tiniest bit of anxiety - a job that I wasn't familiar with, a social meet-up full of strangers, or even a potential romantic relationship. 'It's easier that way' - I thought. But it isn't easy after all. Many days have I stayed awake doubting my past decisions. Many hours have I spent crying over my regrets. Yes, it may seem easy at first, but the regrets that follow will eat you up inside if you let anxiety and fear take over. It only hits me now that I have to stop being a creature of anxiety and start living.
How? I start treasuring the little things that make me happy, like my little cousin's cracking, infectious laughs whenever I rub my face against his, the warm embrace from the ones I love, or simply a joyful song sung out of tune by my silly boyfriend. These little wonders remind me that no matter how gruesomely others may critique my behavior, as hard as I am on myself, and as anxious as I am about an upcoming challenge, count on life to work its magic and create moments that are worth living for. As Sir Frank Sinatra sung:
"And when two lovers woo
They still say: I love you
On that you can rely
No matter what the future brings
As time goes by"
And the BEST part about combating anxiety? It's the fruits of taking chances, the joy of new beginnings, and the bliss of knowing that even when you doubt yourself, there are people who are willing to accompany you along the way. Sometimes, I'm still anxious more than I should be. But you know what? This too shall pass.
